Poorly documented? Don’t mind if I do! Today I have for you something I’ve always wanted to build, and finally did: A functional big damn knife switch. The sort that is generally referred to with the phrase “Throw The Switch!” just before something high voltage and squishy occurs. I only took 5 pictures of this one, so I just labeled them. This switch, as so many past things, was a prop for the Science Musical.
There comes a time in every young scientist’s life when he or she needs a vial of Liquid Awesome. It could be the final component needed to complete an army of face-punching robots. Maybe they’re completely out of Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake and are ready for the ‘hard stuff’. Heck, they might even need it as a prop in a vaguely Science-themed musical to be performed in front of wasted hippies! Who knows? The point is that although I am not particularly young, not technically a “scientist,” or even in possession of what one might call a “life,” that time came for me. And now, word philanthropist that I am, I shall SHARE as much of my construction process as I can remember or bothered to take pictures of. (more…)
Hi there, everyone! I’m sure you’re both wondering where Kaz is!
It turns out that, along with being ugly and generally disagreeable, Kaz is quite lazy, and has enlisted me to write up his latest thing this weak week. Being a friendly and helpful sort, I asked for a lucrative long-term contract, but apparently you have to be in a blogospherical writer’s guild or something? I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I’m not being paid, so you’ll just have to deal. On with the show!
Or not called love, as you wish. This week I fixed a karaoke machine (no pictures sorry) constructed a bottle-rocket launcher to honor our fallen troops, and made a remarkably un-sexy new case for my computer to live in. All three of these were hack-jobs and not deserving of their own project, so I lump them together like a package of Big League Chew (“You’re in the big leagues when you chew Big League Chew!™”)
Karaoke Machine: The tattered remains of my sense of shame prevent me from posting any pictures of my ill-advised karaoke machine repair. I feel much the same way about that as I do about one-handing kittens over the backyard fence with a tee-ball bat. Sure, I do it, but I’m not about to provide a photographic record.
The Bottle Rocket Launcher I made solely to honor the brave members of our armed forces who died defending this mighty nation. What better way to memorialize the atrocities of war than by getting drunk and chucking small, poorly-made explosives at your friends? I posit that there IS no better way, especially if those explosives were made by Communists!
Here it is, pictured to the left. Mostly it’s welded out of spare parts, but I’m pretty sure the tubes were part of a $10 stick lamp, the adjustable hinge-thing was from the neck part of an outdoor floodlight, and the flat piece with holes in is half a joiner plate. The C-clamp was probably from space or something. No way in hell would I use a regular C-clamp after that week I spent chained to a loading dock in Belize.
|The case mod I wasn’t really aware I was doing until it was too late, that’s why I have no “before” pictures. The gist of it was this though. I took a standard-issue beige 10 bay tower, spray-painted it black, added a sexy extra fan, a more magic switch, and a Big Red Reset Button with a cover.|
See, the goddamn kids on my lawn are no longer as terrified of my mighty rake as once they were.
I suspect them of developing some sort of counter-rake technology in their secret volcano fortresses. For a while, I was able to augment my “horrible little bastard”-repellent powers by the judicious application of plastic-jug scotch and what angry parents have assured me is “scarringly graphic” verbal abuse. Sadly, though, I’d eventually pass out and then the little shits would use their mind-control poisons on me, forcing me to strip naked and crap on the neighbor’s deck. If you’re reading this, “Keith,” I’m sorry but there was nothing I could do. As you well know, the neurotoxin that children secrete from their quills is quite potent.
At any rate, the Name of the Game is ESCALATION! As such, I present to you: THE SCATTER-RAKE. I augmented my already fearsome 22-tine steel rake by attaching it to Ol’ Shooty, my favorite shotgun. NOW who’s the crazy old fuck? Tell me THAT you little hooligans.
Special thanks to Ben “Mean Ol Pynk” Phillips, editor of the amazing horror podcast Pseudopod, for the idea.
It has recently come to my attention that hot pockets, the noble staple of my diet, are awful. Not awful as in unpleasant, but rather awful for people who don’t wish to see their own hearts explode. I realized this as one day, while leaning against a tree, I was approached by a herd of deer who held me down and licked me all over my body until I got tired and went home. after bathing, I went to the kitchen and checked the nutritional information on the nearest box of Lean Pockets. Aha, thought I, each one of these has 810mg of
sodium! 810MG! 34% of my RDA in a single delicious food pod! I eat 3 or 4 of these things a day (depending on how little sleep I get), so that means I’m sucking down up to 3.25 GRAMS of sodium a day!
Now being both cheap and lazy (single too, ladies), I am a pretty big fan of pod-based foodstuffs. The thought of having to actually cook real food on a daily basis fills me with unspeakable dread. In a panic, I rushed to Kroger to see if there was some sort of alternative to this unholy fate. Initially, it seemed not; apparently the term “microwavable” is synonymous with “cured in brine.” So here we arrive at this week’s project: BUILDING A BETTER HOT POCKET. Using SCIENCE and MATHS, I determined that I could combine ground turkey, tomato paste, low-moisture mozzarella cheese, onions, garlic, and peppers in a wheat tortilla to make a thing that tastes pretty good and is comfortingly pellet shaped (more…)