Hi there, everyone! I’m sure you’re both wondering where Kaz is!
It turns out that, along with being ugly and generally disagreeable, Kaz is quite lazy, and has enlisted me to write up his latest thing this weak week. Being a friendly and helpful sort, I asked for a lucrative long-term contract, but apparently you have to be in a blogospherical writer’s guild or something? I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I’m not being paid, so you’ll just have to deal. On with the show!
This weak’s thing is a little different, as it is reportedly a “prop” for a “show” of some sort. I think it looks more like set dressing, but what the hell do I know, I’m not an artsy-fartsy type. Also, I wasn’t there for the construction, so I’m looking at these pictures with the same incredulous, slightly fearful and unfamiliar eyes as you. (Not literally)
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Okay, we start out with a big emergency stretcher for someone REAAALLLY fat. I mean huge. Looks like a big PVC frame with canvas stretched over it. He probably bonded all the joints with PVC glue like a big nerd, too, even though it’s not carrying any water and needs no structural integrity. Way to build things to last, Kaz! Dork! I guess we should just be thankful he didn’t try to weld it. Do you have any idea how hard it would be to write something up for a melted glob of erstwhile PVC tubing and canvas sheet flambé? I’d probably just link you to a youtube video of a Great White concert and call it a day. |
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Then apparently he sponge painted that crap. WELCOME TO THE EARLY 90s, HERE IS YOUR NIRVANA CD AND FLANNEL SHIRT, ENJOY YOUR STAY. Christ. |
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And then, let’s see, he stenciled “THE MACHINE” on it in big letters. VERY DESCRIPTIVE, DOCTOR NERDENSTEIN. Bonus point: this picture is out of order! When did he do the stencil? WHO KNOWS! Look, it’s not like you want to make one of these for yourself, so let’s just try and get through this, ok? |
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For the embellishments (other than the quite apt name stenciled on the front), we only have a couple. The first begins life as an innocent Virgin Mary clock. What did it ever do to you Kaz? Apparently helping people by being an inspiring timepiece is grounds for Kaz to pull your hands off and cover you in paint. |
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Then once you expire he’ll weld a spoon handle (what is it with him and spoons?) to a bolt and shove that in the middle of you. |
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This is just gruesome. It looks like he drilled a few holes and inserted a few machine screws into the border, possibly to make it more science-y. Who knows why he does anything, really? (You may also notice that it is labeled with the measure “1.21 Jiggawatts”. I know, I know, everybody remembers that. Don’t tell Kaz. He thinks it’s really clever and obscure. Trust me, okay? Hey, do you want to end up with a spot-welded chimera jammed in your solar plexus? Thought not.) |
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Moving on from The Little Chronograph of Horrors, we come to, and I quote, a “big fuckoff switch”. Kaz evidently bought out the local plumbing supply’s stock of 1″ PVC, because that’s what this looks like too. Then he covered it with what looks like rustoleum, despite the fact that PVC doesn’t really rust. I’ve tried telling him that not everything rusts but he just kind of cocks his head to the side like a dog, or maybe Gary Coleman. It would be adorable if he didn’t just proceed to cover everything with a thick layer of spray paint immediately following. In any case, it’s supposed to look like one of those big knife switches, and it sort of does, I guess. Close enough for some nerd play, anyway. His hinge looks like, uh, a bracket with a screw through it? Très high tech. Attach that to a strip of wood, then glue some paired neodymium magnets to that and another strip for affixing it to your canvas sheet, and you’re nearly done! Thank God. |
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So here it is, assembled. Underwhelming, no? I suppose we’ll just have to see it in context, which, if I’m not mistaken, is a “science-themed musical” performed at your local intersection of nerd and hippie culture. Sounds like an absolute HOOT. Be sure to wear your tie-dyed periodic table t-shirt! I need a drink. |
I’m kaz and I approve of this message
You see? He admits his perverse hatred of religious clocks!
tie-dyed periodic table? That’s AWESOME!