Inspired by the first few seconds of this video, and intended to take advantage of the ever-growing “Miniature Pet Shark” trend, I built this prototype for my friend Alice’s shark Bitey. Bitey has been known to frenzy at the drop of a meat-hat, and woe be to the face that gets in his way. On an unrelated note, if you just want to see the important part of that linked video over and over and over again you may do so here: http://chum.kazco.org/ GO GO GO!

Step 1:

Buy one of these confetti guns from Kroger:

Something I’ve just noticed is that apparently one of the later steps is going to be “Lose most of the pictures you took of the intermediate steps.” Consequently, MY next step is to make up some bullshit steps based on what I have left. Your results, of course, may vary.

In the interim, please enjoy these adorable photos of our vicious spokes-predator:

Back again? Excellent, glad to hear it! If you’re just joining us, then you’ve started reading at the wrong bit, why not head up here first, hmm?

For the rest of you, you’ll be happy to learn that I was able to find all the missing images! Any passing resemblance my photos may have to Google Image Search results for step numbers is purely coincidental.

Step 2:

Grasp the head of the firing pin firmly with your smallest pair of Needle Nose Traffic Signal Pliers. Now, slide the pin carefully into the receiving orifice on the top of the seventh heaviest pearl onion in a standard 8oz. jar. If you do it properly, the onion will crystallize and take on a blue tint. If you do it wrong, well, finishing this tutorial will be the least of your problems.

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Step 3:

Now, take the sanctified blade from before and SLICE THAT FUCKING DOILEY. This is important to release the doiley from the oversized and pointless watermark with which it is burdened.  Dispose of the (now defiled) blade in a Portal To Hell.  If a Portal To Hell is unavailable in your reality, then the dumpster behind a Waffle House will also work.

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Step 4:

Angel Fingers.  Strap them on tightly, because you sure as hell don’t want them coming loose and allowing blood to flow back into your fingertips.  I know it seems counter-intuitive,  but you’re just going to have to trust me on this.  Once you have your very own Chum Cannon Jr., you won’t even miss those fingers.

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Step 5:

OK, so if you’ve been following along at home, then you’ve removed the cylinder from the confetti gun and the confetti from the chambers of the cylinder.  Now it’s time to repack the cylinders with delicious fish guts.  It is possible that, through no fault of your own, the US Postal service has personally forbidden you from mailing innards of any sort, and has even assured you that they are monitoring your outgoing mail.  If this is the case, you may wish to use some form of “fake” guts like the ones pictured on the left.

With all chambers loaded, you can now reassemble the gun and get to the part I’ve already done for you!

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	Front Hi-Res JPG (209K)
	Back Hi-Res JPG (139K)
	Label Hi-Res JPG (37K)
	All bits in a PDF (1.2M)