Or not called love, as you wish. This week I fixed a karaoke machine (no pictures sorry) constructed a bottle-rocket launcher to honor our fallen troops, and made a remarkably un-sexy new case for my computer to live in. All three of these were hack-jobs and not deserving of their own project, so I lump them together like a package of Big League Chew (“You’re in the big leagues when you chew Big League Chew!™”)

Karaoke Machine: The tattered remains of my sense of shame prevent me from posting any pictures of my ill-advised karaoke machine repair. I feel much the same way about that as I do about one-handing kittens over the backyard fence with a tee-ball bat. Sure, I do it, but I’m not about to provide a photographic record.

The Bottle Rocket Launcher I made solely to honor the brave members of our armed forces who died defending this mighty nation. What better way to memorialize the atrocities of war than by getting drunk and chucking small, poorly-made explosives at your friends? I posit that there IS no better way, especially if those explosives were made by Communists!
Here it is, pictured to the left. Mostly it’s welded out of spare parts, but I’m pretty sure the tubes were part of a $10 stick lamp, the adjustable hinge-thing was from the neck part of an outdoor floodlight, and the flat piece with holes in is half a joiner plate. The C-clamp was probably from space or something. No way in hell would I use a regular C-clamp after that week I spent chained to a loading dock in Belize.

The case mod I wasn’t really aware I was doing until it was too late, that’s why I have no “before” pictures. The gist of it was this though. I took a standard-issue beige 10 bay tower, spray-painted it black, added a sexy extra fan, a more magic switch, and a Big Red Reset Button with a cover.

And if that doesn’t work, then the shotgun attached to it usually does. I turn 30 today, and after joining the AARP I decided to celebrate my exponentially increasing crotchetyness by building an EXTRA thing this week.

See, the goddamn kids on my lawn are no longer as terrified of my mighty rake as once they were.

I suspect them of developing some sort of counter-rake technology in their secret volcano fortresses. For a while, I was able to augment my “horrible little bastard”-repellent powers by the judicious application of plastic-jug scotch and what angry parents have assured me is “scarringly graphic” verbal abuse. Sadly, though, I’d eventually pass out and then the little shits would use their mind-control poisons on me, forcing me to strip naked and crap on the neighbor’s deck. If you’re reading this, “Keith,” I’m sorry but there was nothing I could do. As you well know, the neurotoxin that children secrete from their quills is quite potent.

At any rate, the Name of the Game is ESCALATION! As such, I present to you: THE SCATTER-RAKE. I augmented my already fearsome 22-tine steel rake by attaching it to Ol’ Shooty, my favorite shotgun. NOW who’s the crazy old fuck? Tell me THAT you little hooligans.

Special thanks to Ben “Mean Ol Pynk” Phillips, editor of the amazing horror podcast Pseudopod, for the idea.

Ah, Mother’s Day; hooray for invented holidays. Well I refuse to support the multinational gift ham conglomerate. Instead I choose to give my cash to that scrappiest of underdogs, The Spoon Consortium. Right, so basically I welded my mom a flower out of spoons.

Materials:

• Spoons
• half a tounge
• 2 big washers
• a big acorn nut
• a bunch of spray paint

This week I made my very own WordPress Theme, scribble, which you see before you. Feel free to download it, but I wouldn’t recommend it until I finish working out the kinks. It isn’t even validating yet.

Also, I caught up on the past 5 weeks of posting these. I’ve not been idle, just haven’t been posting.