It has recently come to my attention that hot pockets, the noble staple of my diet, are awful. Not awful as in unpleasant, but rather awful for people who don’t wish to see their own hearts explode. I realized this as one day, while leaning against a tree, I was approached by a herd of deer who held me down and licked me all over my body until I got tired and went home. after bathing, I went to the kitchen and checked the nutritional information on the nearest box of Lean Pockets. Aha, thought I, each one of these has 810mg of
sodium! 810MG! 34% of my RDA in a single delicious food pod! I eat 3 or 4 of these things a day (depending on how little sleep I get), so that means I’m sucking down up to 3.25 GRAMS of sodium a day!
Now being both cheap and lazy (single too, ladies), I am a pretty big fan of pod-based foodstuffs. The thought of having to actually cook real food on a daily basis fills me with unspeakable dread. In a panic, I rushed to Kroger to see if there was some sort of alternative to this unholy fate. Initially, it seemed not; apparently the term “microwavable” is synonymous with “cured in brine.” So here we arrive at this week’s project: BUILDING A BETTER HOT POCKET. Using SCIENCE and MATHS, I determined that I could combine ground turkey, tomato paste, low-moisture mozzarella cheese, onions, garlic, and peppers in a wheat tortilla to make a thing that tastes pretty good and is comfortingly pellet shaped (more…)